Well here we are on Day 6 of my series on 31 Days of Abiding. Thank you for coming along with me on my journey. I realized from the start that God was very strategic when He put this topic on my heart. You see, He did not ask me to write on a topic that I have already gotten the victory over. But rather, He asked me to write on a topic that He knows I am still working out. And when I started to write, I honestly wasn’t sure I could continue.
May I be real for a moment?
I do not have a perfect prayer life. I do not always “sit still before Him”. I struggle to get up most mornings to be with Him. My quiet times are sporadic, swaying between some amazingly lengthy and intimate times, to short, uneventful moments, and everything in between. And when I do sit still, my mind races at the same time, and I often feel like I do not hear Him clearly with all of the clammering going on in my head. And mornings? Let’s just say I am not a morning person.
I was reminded this week that I am a broken and imperfect vessel. I carry deeply rooted wounds that have become a part of my life. And as I began to write this series, a few of those wounds have come up to the surface and are staring me square in the face. And Abiding is hard, when you are confronted with your lack and you find yourself having to undo your way of doing. He is challenging my heart to come closer, to abide.
I want to run and hide.
I know I cannot hide from Him, really. But I’ve gone through the motions on more than one occasion over the last few days. I’ve checked off my “prayer” box, and double checked my “worship” box, and I’ve written blog posts that have spurred wonderful conversations and comments. But I still hide. I’ve done the homework, the laundry and the shopping. And still I hide. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I began reading Emily’s book, Grace for the Good Girl, right before I began this series. The reality is that there are still parts of my life that I am trying to hide. I don’t want others to see my imperfections. I don’t want them to know that I don’t have it all together. And I don’t want God to see me as less than perfect. So this journey has turned into one of introspection and healing.
In many ways I am still trying to do it perfectly, checking off my boxes along the way. My heart is in the right place — longing, yearning, desiring to be close. But I find myself more in “performance” mode these days than “abiding”. And sometimes life throws me for a loop and it’s hard to stay balanced. I know that I must continue to choose Him first, above all other things. But it’s often in the late hours of the night, after the children are tucked into bed and the house is quiet. And then I realize that the day is done and I have to wait for the morning. But then He is there, full of mercy and full of grace.
Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. 23 They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. (Lamentations 3:22-23)
This was not a planned post for this series. But I felt like I needed to be real. I struggle to be still. I struggle to remain in His Word, to apply His truth to my life. My heart gets anxious, and even though I know it is only Him that can bring peace, I am still striving. I tend to overlook the fact that He is standing right beside me with open arms, ready to take my burdens. Oh that I would cease from my striving!
So friends, this is where I am tonight. Will you stay with me while I work this out?
I was reading the following passage of scripture this morning in the Prayer Room:
“Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.
2 Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and you will delight in the richest of fare.”
In all of my wanderings and my rushing to and fro, the Lord asks, “why are you laboring on what does not satisfy?” I love the way He gently corrects me. He spoke to my heart about all of the things that I “do” to try and please Him, my family and myself. These things can never satisfy me. He is the only one who can satisfy my hungry heart. I am thankful that He is teaching me as I write. I love how He comes and takes my hand and leads me. Even when I neglect to put Him first, He still chooses me.
My friend Kimberly at A Planting of the Lord is writing 31 Days of Rooting Deeper. We have similar themes of abiding, being still and being deeply rooted in His love. I would love for you to stop by her blog and say hello.
*This is Day 6 of a 31 day series on “Abiding”. You can find all of my posts in this series here. And be sure to stop by some of the other 31Dayers. Over 700 bloggers have linked up so far! There is something for everyone!