Last week I signed up. With a heart full of excitement and anticipation I wrote down some goals and committed myself to making strides to get healthy, one day at a time. I started off slowly, intending to pick up speed along the way. After all, sometimes slow and steady wins the race, right? But I never expected to crash and burn just outside the starting gate. And now I wonder if I will ever reach the finish line.
I feel like a broken record. “I want to lose weight.” ”I am willing to do whatever it takes.” ”With community around me, this won’t be so hard.” How many times have I told myself these things, only to have to pick my muddled self up off the floor and begin again.
What will it take for me to even conquer a fraction of the mountain that is looming over me? I thought about quitting (again). After all, wouldn’t it be easier to just lay down and accept myself for the way that I am? But I know that this person that I have become, with all of this extra weight and masks of varying shapes and colors that I choose to put on — this is not God’s best for me. This is not the person God intended for me to become. His desire is that I would walk in emotional wholeness first. Secondly, I know that I will be healthier and so much happier if I shed a few of these unwanted pounds.
Do you believe that it is possible to carry something around with you for so long that it actually becomes a part of you? These things, whether good or bad, become labels that we pin onto ourselves without ever really realizing that we’ve done so. One of the labels I’ve worn for many years now is that “I am emotional eater”. But am I really?
I have questions.
Did I will this thing into existence because I spoke it out of my own mouth?
Is this just an excuse for allowing the sin of indulgence into my life?
Why am I consistently turning to the consumption of food, or sugary coffee drink, to fill voids that only God was meant to fill?
If so, what are those voids?
It is good to ask questions of the Lord. But one must always be prepared for the answer.
This last week was a complete train wreck. My goals were to drink more water, drink only fat-free/sugar-free coffee, begin logging my food into Weight Watchers on line, and to stay within my points range. I missed all of these marks last week. But what really bothers me is that most of the time, I really didn’t even think about what I was eating or how it was affecting me. I just ate. I am so accustomed to grabbing food on the go without ever giving any thought about it. It wasn’t until Saturday that I realized that I was supposed to be making healthy changes. This all dawned on me over a piece of Caramel Apple Struddle Cheesecake and a sugary Mocha Latte!
Why is this so hard? I feel like I have to retrain my brain to recognize hunger and only eat when I am hungry. Right now, I am just eating. I am hardly ever hungry when I do eat. But what is it I am striving to accomplish by filling myself with food when my body isn’t even demanding it? I have began to ask the Lord to give me clarity as to why I cannot seem to remember what I need to do in order to get healthy. I know what the right things are to do, yet I can’t seem to do them.
I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.
(Romans 7:15 NLT)
Do I want to lose weight? Yes! I want this badly. But maybe I am not yet ready for the emotional commitment. But then again, I know I will feel so much better about myself if I do. I have been tempted this week to do another “quick fix” diet, just to jump start my weight loss. But that is not the answer. That will only mask the real issues that I have to be willing to look at square in the face.
I need to take some time this week and ask the Lord to search me so that I can move forward. I must look deep within myself and gain His perspective about all of this. I am obviously trying to do this in my own strength and that is a battle that I will never win.