I’ve been pondering my journey toward health and wholeness.  I’m still asking God what it is I should be doing to get healthy.  But for now, I am not feeling released to do much of anything.  Some of my friends have started Weight Watchers.  I want to jump in with both feet and begin counting again and experiment with new recipes, but I’m not ready.  I’m not yet ready to fail with grace.  I’m not yet ready to start, only to get frustrated and stop again.  I’m not yet ready to grab God’s hand and let Him lead me down that path.  For I know if I did it now, I’d be the one leading, and I’d fail miserably.

For so long the road to getting healthy has meant that I had to be “doing something” while at the same time not doing most things I enjoyed, like eating chocolate and filling up on carbs.  But I believe that the Lord would have me to rest from the doing, and focus more on the being.  It’s not easy, because in order to be, I have to lay things down and put myself first.  I have to place my relationship with God at the highest priority, and I have to give myself permission to focus on me.

I have trouble putting myself first.  Growing up, I wasn’t first at much of anything.  Whenever I played with my brothers and sisters, I was often chosen last, or given the less glorified role.  So for the most part, I am use to putting my time and attention into others.  But I am learning that I can lose myself in this process of serving others.  It’s easy to forget who I am, that I have needs, and that those needs are valid and important.  I can get so consumed with the needs of the people around me, that I lack the energy and motivation to strengthen myself.

I don’t know how to do it.  How does a busy, full-time working, homeschooling mom, who does ministry 2-3 nights a week, care for her husband and her children, as well as the needs of others, without neglecting herself?  

In order to be successful in life, I must have some quality “me time”. It’s not self-centered to take a time out, just for myself, to rest and refuel and do something just for me.  I need to learn the art of being kind to myself.

Here are some things that I’m dreaming about doing just for myself:

1. Take a long walk with God, and see where I end up.
2. Have some focused writing time, by myself, no children around.
3. Paint my nails (I can’t tell you how long it’s been).
4. Take a hot bath (it’s been even longer!)
5. Get a massage.  I have a certificate.  I just keep forgetting to call.
6. Dance in the rain.  The next time it rains, I just might do it.
7. Bake.  I don’t like baking, but there’s something comforting about the end result.
8. Cry.  I do this often.  There’s so much healing in it.
9. Start putting together my ebooks.  Scared. Nervous. Excited.  Mostly scared.
10. Handwrite a note to someone I love.  Seems easy enough, but typing is so much faster.

These are just a few things I’ve been thinking about doing for myself.

Instead of me having a breakdown, I’m focusing on me having a breakthrough.
Terrell Owens

Every year in January, I start out on a quest to “get healthy”  But what that really means for me, at least over the last several years as I fought the battle of the bulge, is that I start another diet.  My expectations are high as I pump myself up.  Surely something will click this time as I conquer this mountain and reach my goal.  However, a few months, or just mere weeks later, I am left confused, disheartened and defeated as feelings of worthlessness overtake me.  Again, I did not meet my goal.  Again, I feel short.  Again, I gave up too soon.

Will I remain here for the rest of my life?

For the first three weeks of January, I participated in a corporate fast with my church.  During that time, God revealed so much to my heart about the state of my health.  Just as I was all set to join the diet plan again, God closed the door, as He spoke every so gently and revealed that my issues with food are more of an issue of the heart.  As I sought Him in the place of prayer, He reminded me that I had not invited Him into this journey, that I have ignored His will at times, and that I was not taking care of His temple.  He wants me to stop labeling myself as an emotional eater and call it for what it really is — a lack of discipline and down right disobedience at times.  Ouch!  He was not invalidating my emotions by any means, but He wants me to learn to be consumed by Him first, and stop running to food to fill the ache in my heart.

So I surrender….again.

I have had to come to a place where I am willing to put away the diet books, hide the scale, and forgot about counting points and calories.  The Lord is leading me back to the basics.  He wants to once again renew my mind with His Word, so that it would fill every nook and cranny, every crevice of my heart.  You see, I cannot continue to fill my stomach in the hope that the healing will come.  No amount of food will ever replace what the Lord desires to do in my heart and mind.  I must be willing to fully surrender, to fully trust Him, on this journey.

And I will take it step by step.

As I continue to pursue the Lord for my emotional healing, I will listen to His instruction as to how to go about bringing health to my body.  My body is His temple and I must partner with Him and learn to treat it appropriately.  I can tend to get overwhelmed with what not to do, that I forget to focus on what I should be doing — reading His Word, meditating on His truth, soaking in His presence, renewing my mind.  I have to take the Lord’s hand and allow Him to guide me, step by step, on this journey. Without Him, I can do nothing.

Each Wednesday I will share a little bit about my step by step journey here.  It may not always be about food.  I may focus on a scripture passage that I’ve been meditating on, or a quote that really struck me, or a book that He is leading me to read.  Perhaps I’ll share a recipe or a small victory I’ve had during the week.  My purpose is to share my journey, step by step, as the Lord brings me through to the other side.

Is the Lord calling you to lay your quest for health at His feet?  Let’s run this race together, step by step.  It’s His will that we live whole and healthy lives.  When we come into agreement with His will, we cannot fail.